Be Still & Know

I'm having trouble processing the fact that I haven't even been in Indianapolis for three weeks yet; it feels like I've lived here for months already.  The past few days have been filled with restlessness for me.  Scott would laugh if he read this; I keep telling him my legs feel restless, and he responds that this is not really something your legs can "feel."  Nevertheless, they do; my soul feels restless, too.

I was raised in the microwave generation; when we pursue things, we expect to have them now.  We are that way with food and even with information-- think about how Google has changed how quickly we are able to obtain information about something.  Just enter a quick word into your search engine and you've immediately got a million hits to sift through regarding that topic.

I think we're that way with most other parts of life, too.  Or at least, I am.  I'm particularly that way right now with jobs.  When I planned for my move to Indianapolis months ago, I was so optimistic about jobs.  Scott and I drove around back when I visited in May and marveled at all of the hospitals in the area.  For months I kept an eye on job sites and stalked each hospitals' website for RN postings.  I refused to apply for a job until 3 months before my move, though.  I thought that would be a good window.  In August I was extremely happy to have received my license to practice as a registered nurse in Indiana.  That was my golden ticket to search for jobs!  And so it began.

I was dismayed to find that there weren't as many postings as when I had looked over the summer.  Jobs that I had flagged in my job cart were closed or cancelled.  Cancelled? What was that all about? I had several phone interviews, one of which sticks out the most because it is still the job I most desire.  It was with St. Vincent's, a large teaching hospital in Indianapolis, on a floor very similar to my own back in North Carolina.  Though I interviewed while driving to Florida with my mom to visit my grandmother who had just been placed on Hospice that week, and though I was an emotional wreck at the time, it's the best interview I've had to date.  I loved the nurse manager and ate up everything she had to say about the floor.  "It's realllllly busy here, very chaotic.  It takes a lot of teamwork to get through a shift, and my nurses have that." That's a done deal.  I'd rather work on a crazy busy floor with great teamwork ANY day over a floor that's got a slower pace with nurses that eat each other alive.  Nurses really do eat their young, that's not a lie.  I've been blessed to work amongst some of the very best nurses on 3 West for the past few years and I will tell you they are the kindest nurses you'll ever meet; but I have friends on other floors who tell me the stories of older nurses eating up as new grads.

Back to the cancelled status of the jobs, I promise this is all related.  I received a call from the manager of this unit at St. Vincent's, and she told me that she wished she was calling with a job offer, but unfortunately, the hospital had been put on a hiring freeze while budgets were being evaluated in light of Obamacare going into effect in January.  She said that she didn't want to lose me as a potential nurse on her floor but that she just wasn't able to hire at that time.  This was back at the end of September.  She told me that I was first on her list as soon as she could hire, and she assured me that my application would remain on her desk every day until she could hire me.  To my knowledge, she has stayed true to her word.  We've spoken a few times since then and she has assured me of these same things, though she is still not able to hire.

Another major hospital up here just cut 800 jobs.  800.  Not all nurses, but wow, that's a lot of staff.  One hospital that is opening in a new facility had prospects of new jobs becoming available with the new hospital; this has not held true thus far.  Most hospitals up here are on freezes or cut-backs right now.

Yet, I've still had interviews since I've been up here.  I had a very promising one last week with a follow-up today, and I don't really know what will happen with that one.  I had an interview with the Chief Nursing Officer and the nurse manager last week and it was incredible; today, I had an interview with nurses who work the floor who seemed to be very disinterested in everything I was saying.  I'm still hopeful for a job, but I just have a bad feeling about it.  Another thing that has been discouraging is that though I have applied for day shift positions, in each interview, they throw in that they might not have any day shifts available and that they may have night positions open instead.

And so the interviews continue.  I have one tomorrow and another next week.  Through it all, through all of my fear and feelings of disenchantment, I'm remembering Psalms.  I'm remembering David as he writes Psalm 46, where it says, "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the Earth.  The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress.'" (Psalm 46:10-11)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Be still, and know.
Be still, and know.
Be still.

Oh, restless heart, be still.  And know that Jesus is Lord of all and that He has purpose in all He does.  My tiny human brain does not comprehend this; I sit here wrestling with God and asking Him why I have not found a job.

And it's only been 2 weeks and some change since I've moved here.  Isn't that just silly?  When I take a step back to look at the bigger picture, I find it to be very silly.  When I even step back to look at my CALENDAR, I see it's silly.  Oh right, I just moved here two Fridays ago.

I'm going to focus on surrendering my restless heart and on thanking God for the blessings He has showered upon me.  Just to have interviews in an economy like this is something to be thankful for.  I have a warm place to sleep, people who have reached out to me up here in Indy, loving family back home, the man I am going to MARRY in 4.5 months eating dinner with me every night.  So many things to be thankful for, and I focus on what I don't have.

So it's time to be still.

Grace & peace,
C.

Comments

  1. Sweet Cristina. I love this so much.

    1. Because it's written like we're having a conversation over coffee/tea.
    2. Because it's honest and real. I feel your pain.
    3. Because you are so wise. SO WISE.

    I love hearing about these next steps in your journey. I'm praying for a new job to open for you. I know God has a purpose in all these interviews you're going through. A door will open. Be strong - don't fall easily. LOVE YOU.

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