34 Things I Know

On the eve of my 34th birthday this week, I was sitting in bed reflecting about the things I knew to be true and started writing out a list. Before I knew it, I had 34 things on my list and had posted it on social media.  I sometimes use social media as a short-form way of writing.  My captions are often a way for me to write small snippets when I do not have the energy to do a full-form essay like I typically write on here.  

Today as I rewrite them, I am sitting on our back porch which has become a sort of haven for me. I am watching our puppy tear up squares of sod and throw them around like a toy, and yes, I am simply allowing it.  It is sod that we dug up ourselves from our yard so that we could clear space to build raised garden beds for our vegetable garden.  Our garden has always been a happy place for me ever since we started planting seeds 9 years ago in our 1930s bungalow home in Broad Ripple; this year, in our midcentury home tucked away in the Blue Ridge mountains, the garden holds more meaning for me.  Digging my hands in the dirt to bury seeds that are planted in utter darkness only to sprout forth into small seedlings and eventually full grown plants is symbolic in so many ways. 

I decided that I wanted my list of 34 things to live somewhere permanently, and so I am writing them out on here so that they will have a home.  One day, maybe when I'm 44, or maybe when I'm 84, I hope to look back on them and remember the season I was in when I wrote these words.  Taylor Swift released her album, The Tortured Poets Department, this week; when she posted about the release online, she wrote, "This writer is of the firm belief that our tears become holy in the form of ink on a page.  Once we have spoken our saddest story, we can be free of it."  It reminds me of a Hemingway quote I have on a pen box on my desk that says "The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it."  I've been aching to write recently and have been dreaming of a fictional story that is forming into more than just a thought.  So I'm listening to TTPD as I write out the index-card storyline today.  I consider myself to be a writer even though I have only published academic works at this point; these essays here represent things I want to compose into a memoir at some point, but I think it's still cooking for now.  Maybe this nebulous age of 34 has more to behold than I initially thought. 

And with that-- here are 34 things that I know.

1. Reading fiction makes me a better version of myself-- more imaginative, more loving, and more kind. I dream in other worlds when I've had time to immerse myself in them. 

2. April is Spring's version of October--instead of peak leaves, we are on the lookout for peak blooms, and I am learning to love it. 

3. Decaf coffee isn't just hot bean water.  Weaning to one cup of caffeinated coffee per day has made me feel brighter and more alert, a less anxious and jittery version of myself.  A hot cup of mid-afternoon decaf picks me up just as much as the caffeinated version. 

4. Painted nails bring such delight and can make you feel so put together.  An at-home manicure, however, is only as good as the time you spend prepping your nails (soaking, trimming, filing).

5. True friendships transcend all of the really good and really terrible things-- time may pass, illnesses accumulate, marriages are formed, marriages are dissolved, relocations interfere, babies come, babies do not come, disagreements occur, and yet, those friendships remain, weathering the celebrations and the storms.

6. Sometimes you have to lean into the really hard feelings and allow yourself to be changed by what lies at the bottom of them.  You will feel joy again someday, and it will shock you and utterly delight you in new ways when you do. 

7. A quarter tank on the gas gauge of an SUV is basically empty.  Refill soon.

8. Alcohol gives you a terrible night of sleep and is really not that beneficial for you after all.  Less is more.

9. Puppy breath smells like coffee.

10. On that note, puppies can cure most things, even on their worst days. 

11. It is worth having a professional do your taxes. 

12. When you are anxious and feel like you just want to crawl out of your own skin, take a brisk walk.  The pumping of your blood with each step and deep breaths in will do you some good.

13. God actually cares about the tiny details as well as the really big ones.  There is no softer shoulder to cry on and no one as patient to listen.

14. Good shoes after 30 are a necessity.  Suddenly, you will care about your joints and your tendons and ligaments and things you thought you had many more years to consider.

15. You can find joy and peace in the season God has you in even if it is not where you hoped you'd be.  Let the cracks of light in and you will see.

16. You will actually feel better if you eat more whole foods and less processed foods, animal products, and sweets. 

17. Spending too much time alone in the house makes you feel lonely and isolated, and you start to make up untruths about yourself and others. Leave the house every day, even if just for a small amount of time.

18. Therapy isn't a one-and-done deal.  There is deep work you need to do and it may take a long time, and it may even be forever.

19. When you find something you love, buy it in more than one color when it goes on sale.  You'll never regret it. 

20. Social media isn't a villain but you do have to put boundaries on it to maintain a healthy relationship with it. Take breaks when you need to.

21. Children's books will get you out of a reading rut every time.  

22. When you haven't written anything in a while, your brain feels jumbled and like you can't make sense of things happening to you.  Take some time to write and you'll find clarity through that.

23. Do things unconventionally when the conventional way leaves you burned out and weary.  Don't think too much about what people think about your choices; you are the one who has to live with the consequences of them.

24. Cheer for an underdog team every so often; it'll warm your heart.

25. Book the trip. Don't wait for "someday."  Budget travel and get the cheap flights; don't stay in the nicest hotel but find one that's just fine.  See the beautiful places God has created and ordained man to cultivate. 

26. Buy clothes in your actual size, not the size you want to be.  You'll feel prettier and more confident in things that fit. Who's reading your tags anyways?

27. Pick up new hobbies as you age.  Find things that you are passionate about that you didn't know about when you were younger.

28. Double your recipe for dinner tonight and bring some to a friend in a busy season. They'll be so glad you did.

29. Try a new exercise at the gym every so often.  Get out of doing the same old routine and push your body to do something hard.

30. Wine and dine yourself at home. Pick a complicated recipe, gather the ingredients, put on your favorite music, pour a glass of wine, and settle in.

31. Don't get caught up in your circumstances as your identity.  Your circumstances will change soon; who you are will not, though difficult circumstances may change you.

32. Le Pen is the superior felt tip pen.  Stores that sell them are good people. Pilot G2 0.5mm is the superior gel pen.  

33. Invite someone in. Be weird and text them first, make a connection.  You may find some of your best friends by being the initiator, pushing past feeling uncomfortable to just make a friend.

34. Allow yourself to be deeply sad, but then allow yourself to be supremely joyful.  At your core, you are joy. Do not let the sad things around you and in you take away the spark that God gave you for whimsy, delight, joy, kindness, and sparkle. Share this joy with others and keep pressing on. You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

XO,

C