In the midst of all of the joy, there has also been some sorrow. My grandmother recently started receiving Hospice care a few weeks ago. My mom and I were able to visit her the week that she started and were thankful to be able to spend time with her when she was having a relatively good week as far as her health goes. She had more energy than my mom remembered her having the last time she visited, but we laid low and hung around the house as we celebrated my grandfather's birthday with homemade peach cobbler. I'm so proud of her for the decision she's made; my grandmother has battled with breast cancer for 18 years now and has been in and out of remission and treatment for that amount of time. As hard as it is for us to accept the circumstances, I desperately want for her to be free from the misery she's felt over the last few months particularly. As strange as it sounds, death is part of life. We are all dying people, just with different timers going off inside. My tearful prayers have been for peace for my family during this difficult time. My grandmother told me when I visited her that she hoped she could make it to our wedding in April; to be truthful, I want for her to free herself from that burden and for her to know that more than that, I want immense peace and comfort for her. I want her to be free from the cancer that has consumed her for so long. If she's not dancing with me at our wedding, I know it'll be because she's dancing with Jesus, a much better dance partner than I could ever be.
With everything going on and with all of my weekends being so full lately, I've barely had time to think about moving. It's coming quickly though, even though the jobs are not. I have probably applied for about 12 jobs in Indianapolis so far. I've had three phone interviews and have been waiting for word back about a few of them. The job I really want is one that I interviewed for in the car on the way to visit my grandmother a few weeks ago; needless to say, I wasn't mentally or emotionally in the best place, but I did my very best and hope it's enough for them to desire me as an employee. If not, I trust that God has something better in store.
And that's been my anthem lately, that the best is yet to come. Though this has been one of my most difficult years of my life so far, it's been incredible for stretching and growing. I know that if things were stagnant, I wouldn't change much and wouldn't learn how to deal with situations any better. So through tears and sweat and heartache, I look to the Lord who is my light and my life. I know that things will work out according to His plan, I just have to let go of the control I want to have over my plan for myself. I'm a major planner. I like to plan things out way ahead of time and work out every little detail as much as possible. I think God is breaking through that and humbling me, teaching me to depend on Him instead of myself and my "plan." One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes says, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." How lovely and true. I also know that God says "no" sometimes to things we think we want because in His holy wisdom and power, He knows that He has something better in mind than anything we could have possible imagined for ourselves.
How beautiful and freeing to know that I can lay my worries at the foot of the Cross and say, "Jesus, take these from me, I can't carry them anymore." And He will. And it will still be hard, but knowing that God is the one who orchestrates the plan of your life on Earth will give you true, deep, soul peace even when you feel the burdens of each day weighing on you. It makes it that much better to carry those when you know the Almighty God is walking with you and, at times, carrying you.
So whatever may be going on in your life lately, if it's as crazy and chaotic and overwhelming as what I've been going through, I hope you find rest in Jesus and that you let Him into your life. There's no other way to live but in Him.
And here's the last thing I'll leave you with, it's the song I've been listening to through this interesting stage of life. It's called Oceans by Hillsong United.
Grace & peace, sweet friends.