What you love & being curious

Since I became a geriatric nurse practitioner a few years ago, I've felt a strong tension between what I love and what I get paid to do every day.  I think I was under the impression that those things had to be the same.  If you read my post on Ikigai, it might seem to you that these things are supposed to be the same as well.  Your ikigai, your purpose in life, is maybe supposed to be doing the things you are most passionate about, that the world has a need for, and that you can get paid for to keep the lights on in your house.  

But I've been wondering about this for a long time, and I am now wondering if there are times when you just do what you must during the day to pay the bills so that you can pursue what you love in the margins. What if the things you love to do aren't things that you can necessarily be paid to do? Or what if they are, but you aren't good enough to get paid to do them? I love painting and hand lettering, but I'd have to spend full days and weeks practicing to really be good enough for anyone to think my work is anything other than kindergarten artwork.  I have long subscribed to the idea of a side hustle, which Gretchen Rubin introduced me to through the podcast Side Hustle School with Chris Guillebeau; even with side hustles though, the goal is to make money.  

While I would love to make money writing, I think about this whole concept of the grass always seeming greener.  In my professional life now, I have a series of frustrations that make me less inclined to love what I am doing.  There are many barriers that get in the way of the work that I do, essentially.  Isn't that in every job, though? Wouldn't I have new frustrations and new barriers as a full time writer? I also think about blending my two passions for medicine and writing; people have done that before. Atul Gawande is a phenomenal physician who also writes beautiful articles for The New Yorker and has now written several of his own books.  Couldn't I do that? I suppose, yes.  And maybe that's what I will ultimately do, except what if I don't care to write about medicine? I recently read a book by a physician that was a work of fiction that included many characters who were in medical school/residency or living out their careers as doctors, so I suppose that was inspiring to read as she accomplished that blend quite well.

Some days I feel lost, and I think at 30, I did not expect this.  I thought my 20s were for "finding" whatever it was I was supposed to be doing.  At 30, I thought this would be well-established, that there would not be question as to what I should be doing for the next 30-40 years of my professional life. I think I am realizing that maybe what I am supposed to be doing is evolving over time, and maybe God is refining me in each new thing that I do.  

I am always inspired when I see people older than me exploring new passions and changing careers; I think that this is really encouraging to those of us who are stuck where I am, trying to figure out if there's a way out of this hole we've dug ourselves into.  I am trying to view each thing I do now as an opportunity to learn something.  I have recently been inspired to be curious with my career, and I am spending the time that I am able doing that. I am exploring two very different paths within being a nurse practitioner through continuing education courses and am just allowing myself to be curious about each path.  

I think remaining curious is maybe the key to protecting from burnout and the frustrations of a job.  I can't always see this perspective when I am in the thick of things, which is why I am so grateful for opportunities like this week when I can be away from work to reflect on things.  When I first realized that my vacation to NC to spend a week at the beach with my family wasn't going to work out, I was so disappointed.  I really mourned the loss of this trip for a period of time before recognizing it as an opportunity to spend time at home doing things that I have been wanting to do for a while.  I did not do as many home projects as I wanted to, but I did spend a lot of time cleaning and decluttering, donating things and cleaning up shelves and floors. And there's just been space to think, write, read, be creative, and I have needed that more than I realized.  And it has allowed me the space to reflect on how important curiosity and creative endeavors are for me both personally and professionally. 

So the question looms for me, what if what you love isn't what you get paid to do? What if what you love is what you do in the margins of your life instead? And the question remains of whether that is okay or not, and for me, in this season, I think it is.  And as long as I remain curious in my profession, seeking opportunities that are new and interesting to me, I think maybe it will be okay. And if I allow myself to be curious in the margins of my life as well-- maybe new things will open for me in writing that I had never considered. One opportunity that has recently arisen from being curious in both my writing and professional life is an opportunity to coauthor a chapter of a textbook, and that is something that I never would have dreamed possible at the age of 30.  I am enjoying that opportunity and am ever grateful that God orchestrated the series of events that led to this possibility.  

What are you loving these days, and how is that living out in your professional and personal life? How is curiosity helping you grow? 

I pray you remain hopeful and curious through difficult seasons. I think we are all in one of those right now with the pandemic, and I hope you allow your margins to be filled with new experiences and things you love and are learning to love. 

Love,

C