"I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me." -A.G.
I woke up this morning to let my snuggly dog outside. Per my usual routine, I let Doc outside, turned on the coffeemaker, and sat down to read through some e-mails. And what I found were damaging, passive-aggressive e-mails that I had to start my day with. And I sat there thinking Why do I do this? Why start my day like this? I typed quick responses and signed out, and I went to let Doc in. He wagged his tail and jumped on me-- a habit I haven't yet broken him of (and one I haven't tried very hard to break him of). I walked over to the coffeemaker and poured a cup of Fresh Thyme's Fogcutter, and I sat back down on the Chancey couch.
I'm asking hard questions these days, desperately trying to evaluate what is good for me and what is not good for me. I scrolled through Facebook and saw the quote I posted above: I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me. I'm not there yet. I'm learning this new pattern and new rhythm. I'm choosing things that are good for me and good for my faith, things that strengthen my marriage and my home life, things that make me a better friend, wife, daughter.
I'm very aware that I've entered another season of growing and stretching. I'm very aware that it's hitting me from all angles-- regarding my health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), school, work, my faith life, my dreams and passions. It's a season of praying and seeking and finding out where in the world I am headed and wishing I could get there sooner, all the while knowing that there's a reason I can't, that I need the growing and the stretching, and that the only way there is through. I'm learning to be ok with being uncomfortable, to be ok with being honest and not giving pat answers. I'm trying to be my authentic self instead of the person who smiles and says, "Oh yes! Everything is fine!! I'm balancing so well-- look at all of these things I can do! It's not stressful-- nope not a bit!"
The people who know me well know to dig deep, they call me on my bluff and tell me to cut it out. They make me tell them what's really going on and they make me tell them the truth, not a version of the truth or part of the truth or the parts that sound nice. I need more of those people in my life. I need more of the truth-tellers and the truth-seekers. I need the people who push me to be better and tell me when I'm receding into the superficial Cristina who gives nice answers and smiles a lot while feeling broken inside. I need the people who walk through brokenness with me and remind me to look up to Jesus when I'm so very focused on myself.
So I'm learning to do that, and I'm learning to say no and to walk away from shiny, glittery opportunities that are not meant for me. And I'm learning that it's ok to be small and humble, to have a close circle of friends who know the real me well instead of a babbling list of ones who know the superficial me.
I hope your week is lovely and that you're pushed and challenged in ways that make you better this week. And I hope you have people to help you do that.