On Staying

Vernazza, Italy

I wanted to hop on a plane this week.  I should have hopped on a plane.  We should have been going to Alaska with friends. And when we realized we couldn't-- we should have been on a plane to California to visit friends and bask in the California sun.  And when we decided we couldn't do that either-- we should have been on a plane to Tampa to visit my Grandpa for a week, taking day trips to Clearwater Beach and spending days by the pool with a good book in hand.  My heart aches to be somewhere-- I look at this picture above and want to be climbing along the rocky shorelines of the Italian Riviera with my husband by my side.  I long to see beauty beyond compare-- sights that look like something I've only seen in postcards.

Instead, I decided to stay.  Staycation is what they call it.  It's been anything but a vacation, but it's been more necessary than I would dare to confess to you.  I joke about not adulting well, but lately that has really hit a head.  My to-do list for things that I have to accomplish in the coming weeks is longer than I can quantify.  It's filled with items like this: pay car insurance bill, pick up Doc's flea/tick medicine, go to Apple to have my account reset so that I can use my phone again, turn in meta-analysis for research class, pay electric bill, turn in requirements for fall classes, turn in final exam for gerontology class, pay water/gas bill, buy a new washer/dryer, go to the gym, fold/put away laundry from the laundromat, pay off credit card bill, walk Doc, sign Doc up for puppy classes, pump water in the basement, fill in trench in the backyard, mow the lawn, kill weeds in garden, make breakfast for the week, meal plan, schedule doctor's appointments.  The list goes on.  Writing it all out at this moment gives me a small amount of anxiety, but I'm pushing past that and remembering that staycation is just for this.  It's not about rocking on my front porch with a margarita and a book in my hand--it's about catching up on adult things and responsible things so that I can be fully present when my life returns to normal at the end of next week, when I go back to work.  

It was hard to stay.  Or to decide to stay.  I keep seeing pictures of trips I should have been on and a twinge of jealousy and anger run through me.  But then I call myself back, remembering that those trips weren't meant for me at this time.  What was meant for me at this time are all of the things I listed above, time to regain my sanity in the midst of school and work and training a puppy.  We have a trip home planned for September, a trip when I'll be in beautiful North Carolina from early September until late September.  I'll take Doc to the beach for the first time and drink coffee down at the beach house with Scott early in the morning.  I'll pick up Port City Java every chance I get and walk barefoot with sand between my toes.  I'll snuggle my few-week old nephew (not yet born, in case that was confusing) and lie on the couch at my mom's talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.  I'll drink coffee with good friends and run the loop at Wrightsville Beach.  I'll watch one of my best friends marry the man who points her to Jesus, and I'll try on a bridesmaid dress for another best friend who will marry the one her soul loves in the spring.  

All of that to anticipate-- all of that to come.  But for now, I have to stay.  And as much as I keep wanting to cry and run away and quit the adult world, I'll stay.  Because when I stay, there's snuggles from Doc and pillow talk with my husband.  There's homebrewed coffee and early mornings with Jesus.  And there's to-do lists that start vanishing and room for life to start being lived again.

But it only happens when I stay.  And truthfully-- I so rarely choose to stay.  Any chance I get I'm jetting off to somewhere else, cramming in a weekend trip, flying across the country to see a friend or have a new experience.  And sometimes, I need my wings to be clipped and I need to be forced to use my downtime to stay and to do the things that are required of me so that I can stop living like a frazzled mess when all returns to the status quo.

XO,

C