(Un)Kind Words
I'm sitting in Panera reportedly studying right now. I've been here for a few hours trying to make my way through some practice exams have determined that I am just tired and lacking focus. I'm distracted, feeling deflated after a difficult week.
I started the beginning of my week with my arsenal filled with optimism and determination to see things to their finish this week, and I'm now left feeling like someone took little pieces of me and scattered them all over the place-- in patient rooms, in my bed where I've barely been able to get adequate sleep this week, in the hallways and break room at work. It's been an incredibly frustrating week at work, and I am finding myself contemplating the kindness of other people tonight, and wondering if there is any at all.
I'm speaking more about kind words. I have found kind words to be lacking in my life lately, both from myself and from other people. Do you find that you respond to unkind words with a flicker of anger and pride, and maybe some even more unkind words in return? Do you find that you're in a volley with other people in your life for who can best prove their point or who can cut the other person down and make themselves look even better? This is what I feel engulfed by lately. I really feel like I'm drowning in it.
For whatever reason, it's been a week when my patients have been dishing out all of their negative emotions and energy towards me and other nursing staff. As a nurse, I've grown to have some pretty thick skin, but last night was completely over the top. After dealing with being "kicked out" of the room by two separate patients (one of which was not even my own patient), I really just wanted to pack up my things to go home. I wanted to tell my patients to do the same, that they really weren't doing themselves any favors by treating the nurses taking care of them that way. That if they thought this is what I went to nursing school for, they were totally wrong. That I didn't get paid nearly enough to be taking abuse like that and that they had no right to make my feel inadequate and incompetent.
I didn't say those things. I removed myself from the rooms and took a minute to put myself back together. I didn't fight back with the unkind words that were consuming me like poison. I held in every tear that I could feel welling up, ready to burst through the floodgates at any moment.
Several other interactions with staff members this week have also left me feeling deflated. I'm finding that people are determined to let you know that they know something, that they are valuable and important in their job. As a lover of words, both written and spoken, I appreciate when they are delivered in a gentle, loving way. Lately, I'm finding people cutting each other with words and trying to make themselves appear more intelligent or more professional or more serious about their work than anyone else. And the unkind words jut flow out as if they are deserved and expected, as if I obviously should have known the right thing to do in the situation and I obviously did whatever task it was incorrectly. I'm so disappointed in myself for returning those unkind words, for being defensive and for letting my pride get the best of me.
Last night when all of this was taking place, I was training a newer nurse on our unit who was primarily taking care of our patients. I could tell that she felt the weight of unkind words last night, as well, and we even talked about this as we were nearing the end of our shift. We'd dealt with a series of impolite individuals on the phone that night as well as all that I have already mentioned above, and she stated that she just didn't understand why people thought it was ok to treat other people that way, that it doesn't help any of us in any way to talk to people in such a degrading way. I agreed very much with her and was glad for a moment to realize that these frustrations were ones felt by someone else, that I wasn't just being overly sensitive.
I recently wrote about the Who Moved my Cheese principle in Growing & Stretching & Moving the Cheese. If you didn't read that post or don't know what in the world I'm talking about, it's actually a book that many Fortune 500 companies make their employees read. The illustration in the book may seem childlike, but its implications are universal. It's about a mouse in a maze who is searching for a block of cheese. Every time the mouse gets close to the cheese or sees it just ahead in the maze, someone moves it. The frustrated mouse continues searching and continues to have the cheese moved every time he gets close to it. What we are to learn from this is that we have to adapt to our cheese (goal) being moved, and that we can't get caught up in being angry at who moved it.
I reminded myself of this cheese principle as I reflected on all of the unkindness that I've felt around me lately, and I realized that unkind words are the obstacle to reaching my cheese this week. I have been so upset about the unkind words and the individuals who have delivered them that I've been blaming them for my horrible week. The negative energy from all of this is what is leaving me deflated, and it's what is keeping me awake tonight, unable to focus on any task I had set my mind on accomplishing tonight.
So I'm refilling my arsenal over the next two nights off with more optimism, and more determination to get to the cheese despite the road blocks or people in the way trying to move my cheese. And most of all, I'm remembering that when people are unkind towards me, I am not to be unkind towards them. I am to be light and love, and I am to reflect Jesus in everything that I do. I'm sure He's disappointed in me this week, as much as I am in myself. I'm thankful that His grace abounds, for I am in desperate need of grace this week.
I'm memorizing Ephesians 4:29 this week, the verse that is the namesake of one of my favorite bands, Building 429. I had this verse memorized in middle school and feel that maybe I was much wiser then than I am now. I think middle school Cristina may have been a lot kinder than the adult version of myself, and though middle school was tough and many days ended in tears from unkindness and gossip and mean girls, I think she was still braver than I am now to deliver kind words in return for unkind ones that are spoken to me.
I realize a lot of my posts lately seem bleak and filled with complaints and glumness, and I am thankful for those who still read despite all of that. I try to be as authentic as I can on here, and some days, in the spirit of being genuine, I want to leave you with what's real instead of a blog post about self-improvement and how to live your best life now. It's all way easier said than done, and I'm a girl who is just trying to figure out how to play my part in this corner of the world in a way that is loving and helpful to others.
Lots of love and kindness to you this week, friends.
XOXO,
C.
I didn't say those things. I removed myself from the rooms and took a minute to put myself back together. I didn't fight back with the unkind words that were consuming me like poison. I held in every tear that I could feel welling up, ready to burst through the floodgates at any moment.
Several other interactions with staff members this week have also left me feeling deflated. I'm finding that people are determined to let you know that they know something, that they are valuable and important in their job. As a lover of words, both written and spoken, I appreciate when they are delivered in a gentle, loving way. Lately, I'm finding people cutting each other with words and trying to make themselves appear more intelligent or more professional or more serious about their work than anyone else. And the unkind words jut flow out as if they are deserved and expected, as if I obviously should have known the right thing to do in the situation and I obviously did whatever task it was incorrectly. I'm so disappointed in myself for returning those unkind words, for being defensive and for letting my pride get the best of me.
Last night when all of this was taking place, I was training a newer nurse on our unit who was primarily taking care of our patients. I could tell that she felt the weight of unkind words last night, as well, and we even talked about this as we were nearing the end of our shift. We'd dealt with a series of impolite individuals on the phone that night as well as all that I have already mentioned above, and she stated that she just didn't understand why people thought it was ok to treat other people that way, that it doesn't help any of us in any way to talk to people in such a degrading way. I agreed very much with her and was glad for a moment to realize that these frustrations were ones felt by someone else, that I wasn't just being overly sensitive.
I recently wrote about the Who Moved my Cheese principle in Growing & Stretching & Moving the Cheese. If you didn't read that post or don't know what in the world I'm talking about, it's actually a book that many Fortune 500 companies make their employees read. The illustration in the book may seem childlike, but its implications are universal. It's about a mouse in a maze who is searching for a block of cheese. Every time the mouse gets close to the cheese or sees it just ahead in the maze, someone moves it. The frustrated mouse continues searching and continues to have the cheese moved every time he gets close to it. What we are to learn from this is that we have to adapt to our cheese (goal) being moved, and that we can't get caught up in being angry at who moved it.
I reminded myself of this cheese principle as I reflected on all of the unkindness that I've felt around me lately, and I realized that unkind words are the obstacle to reaching my cheese this week. I have been so upset about the unkind words and the individuals who have delivered them that I've been blaming them for my horrible week. The negative energy from all of this is what is leaving me deflated, and it's what is keeping me awake tonight, unable to focus on any task I had set my mind on accomplishing tonight.
So I'm refilling my arsenal over the next two nights off with more optimism, and more determination to get to the cheese despite the road blocks or people in the way trying to move my cheese. And most of all, I'm remembering that when people are unkind towards me, I am not to be unkind towards them. I am to be light and love, and I am to reflect Jesus in everything that I do. I'm sure He's disappointed in me this week, as much as I am in myself. I'm thankful that His grace abounds, for I am in desperate need of grace this week.
I'm memorizing Ephesians 4:29 this week, the verse that is the namesake of one of my favorite bands, Building 429. I had this verse memorized in middle school and feel that maybe I was much wiser then than I am now. I think middle school Cristina may have been a lot kinder than the adult version of myself, and though middle school was tough and many days ended in tears from unkindness and gossip and mean girls, I think she was still braver than I am now to deliver kind words in return for unkind ones that are spoken to me.
I realize a lot of my posts lately seem bleak and filled with complaints and glumness, and I am thankful for those who still read despite all of that. I try to be as authentic as I can on here, and some days, in the spirit of being genuine, I want to leave you with what's real instead of a blog post about self-improvement and how to live your best life now. It's all way easier said than done, and I'm a girl who is just trying to figure out how to play my part in this corner of the world in a way that is loving and helpful to others.
Lots of love and kindness to you this week, friends.
XOXO,
C.
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