Look at Me

I've been on a Facebook hiatus for the past few days and am continuing it again after this morning.  My husband and I are currently in control of each other's Facebook passwords so that once I log out on my computer, I can't get back in unless he signs in for me.  He asked me to do this for him so that he could focus on studying for school and his boards, and after something he said to me the other day, I decided to take a break from Facebook as well.

Sometimes people say things to you that seem so hurtful, yet when you step back to consider it further, you realize that they were just being the mirror that you needed to see what you really looked like.  Scott said something to me the other day that, in the moment, really hurt my feelings.  I was cooking in our kitchen and took a picture of a giant bowl of apples that reminded me of Fall (in case you haven't noticed, Fall is my favorite).  I didn't realize Scott was watching me, but when I turned around he said, "What's with all of these 'look at me' pictures lately?" 

Ouch.  I knew what he was talking about.  I've been cooking a lot lately and have taken a lot of Instagram pictures of things I've been making.  I love food photos-- most of my Instagram feed is filled with what some refer to as "food porn."  I follow a lot of people who share photos of things they've made in addition to recipes, and I find a lot of my favorite recipes this way.  I also share a lot of my own recipes with people when I post photos of food, but I never thought of it as a "look at me" sort of thing.  Not until Scott said that, anyways.

As hurt as I was by this, it really made me think about why I post those things.  We talked about it in bed that night as we were going to sleep; I told Scott that he had really hurt my feelings by saying that to me, and he apologized and asked why I posted those photos.  What was I looking for? Praise? More "likes" from people? I told him I didn't really know.  

And because of that, my Facebook hiatus started.  I logged into my Facbeook, handed him my computer, and asked him to change my password.  I still have my Instagram but have been using it somewhat sparingly; I'm trying to put myself in a state of reflection to consider why I post these things.  Is it for praise? Is it to be a show off? Oh gracious, I hope not.  But maybe it is.  

I've quoted this many many times on my blog, but my favorite Shauna Niequist post is about this sort of thing, so I'm going to share it again.  It's from her book Bread and Wine which you absolutely must read if you haven't. 

"I think about how valuable it is to live the life in front of you, regardless of how tempting it is to press your face against the glass of other people's lives online, even though doing that is so much safer and so entirely addictive." Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine.

I'm think about this quote now because I'm wondering how my actions, words, online posts, etc. affect the people around me who are pressing their faces against the glass of my life online.  Do my posts make them feel as small as I sometimes do when I see other friends posting about adventures, happy news, achievements, etc.?  If comparison is the thief of joy, am I robbing someone of their joy by causing them to compare themselves to something I am or something I've done?

And it all comes back to glory.  I think that we are all self-seeking in this sense; we want praise for things that we've done, we want the recognition and the glory.  But if He (God) is greater than I, how wretched am I to point to myself with how I live?  If all blessings are given to me through grace (meaning, I am given these things freely-- completely undeserved), then how could I ever take credit for them? How could I try to glorify myself when I am so small and He is so big?  

That's what I'm thinking about this month.  That's what I'm reflecting on as I take a break from Facebook.  I'll be on every so often to check in-- press my face against some glass and see what other people are up to (and check out my Facebook wall for the floor I work on.  I find out so many things this way as far as updates about new things at work), but it will be just that.  I will keep the blinds closed for a bit on the window into my life, and I'll peer out every so often to see what's going on outside of my window; but the days of the blinds fully opened and "look at me" posts will be minimal.  

I'll say, too, that in my few days away from Facebook thus far, I've been so so productive and so happy.  I'm not constantly on my phone when I'm out somewhere to check Facebook statuses or look at new profile pictures; I actually have time to read, write, clean, work out, cook, etc.  I've finished two books during the hiatus and have felt happier than I have in a while, and maybe it's from the lack of comparing myself to others, the lack of pressing my face against the glass and peering into someone else's world.  I'm just content with what's going on around me and in our home.  

I have a book to recommend if this sort of thing interests you.  It was the summer reading selection for an incoming class at UNC a couple of years ago, and though I did not complete my own summer reading book the year I started as a freshman at UNC, I did read this one.  It's called The Shallows, and it's all about how the Internet has changed how we think and has actually rewired many of the pathways in our brains regarding communication and perception.  I read it at the recommendation of my friend, Shannon, and am considering re-reading it during this time of reflection about life lived out on the Internet.

I'm hoping that my blog posts will be more frequent as I take a break from Facebooking; with all of my extra time, I think I will channel writing as a top priority. You'll still be able to keep up with where I'm at in the journey, but maybe in not such a loud "look at me" way that my Facebook wall can sometimes be.  

What are your thoughts on sharing your life online? Do you post things regularly, or are you more of a consumer of the Facebook world?  I'm curious about how others feel about this, and how you reconcile the desire to share your life with others while trying to remain humble at the same time.

Lots of love and hope to talk soon. Hoping this week is filled with grace, peace, and many moments of joy for you!

Cristina