It Takes a Village: volume 2.

The village that supported us as we started our journey in marriage. Photo credit: The 25th Hour Studio

Last year when I moved to Indianapolis, I wrote a post called It Takes a Village to thank everyone who helped me with my move up here.  Lately, I've been feeling nostalgic about last fall when I was moving, and it's made me feel incredibly grateful for everything that has happened in the past year.  I'm learning that all of life requires community and the village that surrounds you.

Community is one of those things that you never fully appreciate until you don't have any.  I can speak to this from the standpoint of moving to a new place and not knowing more than a few people that were Scott's friends.  When I lived in North Carolina, I was a stone's throw from my church and the community that surrounded me there, and I was a quick drive from my closest friends if ever I should need a running buddy, coffee date, Harry Potter movie marathon, game nights, etc.  What I craved more than anything when I moved up here were those things, but I found that they couldn't be fully enjoyed alone (minus the Harry Potter movie marathon.  That can be done anytime, anyplace).  I missed the closeness of friends, both in distance and in sentiment.  I still don't have community like I did back in North Carolina, but I do have a little village here.

My village is entirely lovely, and it is made up of a lot of different groups of people.  It's my coworkers at St. Vincent who love me well and who are patient with me as I learn and try to better myself as a nurse; there's Scott's dental school friends who have taken me in as their own from the beginning and included me in everything from the aforementioned game nights to Thanksgiving dinners when we couldn't make it home to be with family. My village is our new community at College Park church and those who have welcomed us as family there (despite my frequent absences due to my night shift schedule), and it's old friends from NC who live up here and have made me feel like home is not so far away.

I'm finding that the stage of life that Scott and I are in right now as newlyweds takes our entire village.  The photo above is possibly one of my favorites from our wedding.  It's symbolic of our village that has supported us throughout our relationship and as we made the decision to commit to each other as husband and wife.  If anything in life takes a village to be successful, it's marriage.  It takes encouragement from those around you in a way that no other relationship in your life has required.  I remember being at my sister and brother-in-law's rehearsal for their wedding last September and hearing something that completely changed my perspective on how I encouraged others in their marriages.  The pastor told all of us (mostly close friends and family that were in the bridal party) that it was our responsibility to Ashley and Chris to do everything in our power to honor them as one by encouraging them and pushing them towards each other at all times; I remember him explaining that this was important in dating when the couple was seeking marriage at some point, but that in marriage especially, their full commitment to one another called those around them to honor their marriage and to be sure to not say things that would tear them away from each other.

It makes sense, doesn't it?  I don't know why I never thought of it this way before, but I'm so thankful for their pastor for how he explained this concept.  It's so important.   It affects how I interact with every single married person in the world, but especially those whose village I am a part of.  How I speak about the spouses of my friends can very much affect their perception of their spouse.  Here's an example of what I mean.  Say a friend comes to you with a problem in their marriage; maybe they feel like their spouse isn't paying enough attention to them, or maybe they are arguing a lot more than usual.  They're coming to you to and looking for advice on the situation.  What do you say?  I know what a common response is to this sort of thing.  We want our friend to know that we love them and think that they have been wronged, so we say something like "I can't believe they'd do that to you" or "I don't understand how they could possibly act that way!"  It seems like you are supporting your friend, but you're actually casting their spouse in a bad light and causing your friend to think that their negative thoughts about how their spouse is acting are justified.  And as part of their village on their marriage journey, you've done your friend and his or her marriage a great injustice.  My guess is that it was entirely unintentional and that you were attempting to show them support, but how many times do we do this?  I can think of so many times when I have said things like this.

Since hearing this last September though, I've tried to be more intentional about not doing this sort of thing.  I've tried to encourage my friends in positive ways in their marriages and relationships, trying to push them towards resolution instead of dissolution.  And even though marriage takes a village, I've learned, too, that some do not survive even with their village surrounding them.  My heart is broken for some of my close friends who are going through divorces, but I have learned that even they need their village, possibly more so than ever before.  I've tried to apply this same principle to their relationships as well-- though they are no longer with their spouse, how constructive is it to bash that other person?  It's hurtful on so many levels, in my opinion.

I've had this on my heart lately and just wanted to share, especially in light of so many friends who have recently gotten married and who are trying to figure out how to make this big important thing like marriage work.  Don't forget about your village.  And if you're part of someone's village, don't let them down. Honor them by loving them and encouraging them in every way.

My apologies for my sporadic postings lately-- three posts in one week and then radio silence for another?  I'm a work in progress in more ways than you know!

Lots of love and happy Monday to you all! Hope the week ahead is filled with lots of big and small moments that bring you joy.

Love,
Cristina.

A few more photos of our "village people," if you will.  

All photo credit to the 25th Hour Studio

The ones who have been there from the beginning

Part of our Indy village

The Penthouse ladies (Jessica is a honorary member!)

A big part of my North Carolina village