On Difficult People

Hello friends!  We're resuming normal posts again on the blog after a few days of R&R at the beach and ample time to reflect and restore the soul.  Sometimes you just need familiar people, places, and things to bring you back to who you once were.  I remember in college having this experience frequently.  I always felt so high strung and tightly wound at school, and then I'd come home and immediately feel myself return to the old me as I hit exit 420 on I-40 East.  That sense of peace would wash over me as I drove past familiar places, and I would remember who I was again, someone not defined by grades or my major.  I feel that I have been reminded of who I once was and am claiming her again.

In any case, this blog promised you thoughts on difficult people.  I surely consider myself to be one of those, but let's talk in a more general sense first.  My home church in Wilmington, Port City Community Church, just finished up a series called "That Guy."  The series was about difficult people, loving them, BEING one of them, and what God calls us to within that.  Honestly, I thought it was an incredible series for anyone and everyone.  If you interact with people  at ALL (which most of us do) and are in relationship with others (friendships, roommate-ships, romantic relationships, family relationships, etc.) you surely encounter moments of frustration where you wonder why in the world you're having to deal with this person's annoying personality and why they won't just change how they are.  If only THEY would change, we could be friends.  If only he would stop doing this, he'd be a better boyfriend/fiancee/husband to me.  The list can go on.

Pastor Mike Ashcraft had two main points he used to demonstrate how we are to approach this idea of difficult people.  One of his phrases is this: "What's it like to be on the other side of me?"  And his second is "What would love have me do?"

The first one, "What's it like to be on the other side of me?" is interesting.  But it's how I believe we are supposed to approach ALL relationships.  In the past few years, I've read a few Christian books about relationships/marriage (I'm always intrigued by these for some reason.  They provide practical knowledge about something I hope to one day be part of), and one of the main points I've taken away from them is that we are to live in relationship serving others.  We are not to participate in relationships because of what we can gain from them or for what that person can do for our happiness.  

JD Greear, pastor of the Summit Church (and my church I go to when I'm in Durham), has always said that lonely, insecure single people become lonely, insecure married people.  The act of marriage doesn't save us in and of itself.  If we aren't happy alone, when we have ample time and energy to focus on ourselves and our relationship with the Lord, why would we think that marrying someone and adding another personality and chaos to our lives would make us happier? 

Other individuals aren't intended to make us happy.  No where in the Scriptures will you find verses that encourage us to enter into relationships because of what we can gain from them.  Jesus was relational to his very core and sought always to serve others through those relationships.  We are called to the same thing.  So when we approach relationships, we are to serve regardless of the quirky or difficult personality that the other person has.  

As JD Greear also says, we are to view ourselves as first, sinner, and second, sinned against.  Think about this for a minute.  Let's look at it from the opposite point of view first.  Say you view yourself as deserving of certain things in a relationship.  You deserve to be treated well, respected, appreciated, etc.  Anytime the other person in that relationship seems to violate that, you snap and get upset because they have sinned against you.  This is the view of someone who believes they are, first and foremost, sinned against.  They are always expecting something more and are always trying to gain something from the other person.  This is probably the way most of us live.  It's in our human nature to feel deserving of something good and to feel that we have somehow earned the right to be treated well. 

But let's look at how JD says we should approach relationships.  If we view ourselves as first, sinner, in relationships, we're always looking at what we could do or change to better serve the other person.  We would approach our interactions with them with more grace and forgiveness than in the previous example when we're always snapping at them for not treating us as we think we deserve to be treated.  Truthfully, we deserve nothing.  According to Isaiah 64:6, "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all of our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf and like the wind our sins sweep us away."  But it's through the blood of Jesus that we are restored and redeemed.  If even our righteous acts are as filthy rags, why would we think we are deserving of anything, especially when in relationship with another who is living in this fallen world?  It's only through Christ that we have hope for more.  

I've gotten a bit sidetracked and have now confused you by talking about two different pastors' views on relationships, but if you're able to follow me, I actually find them grossly intertwined in how they've presented relationships.  JD's "first, sinner, second, sinned against" seems to parallel Mike's "What's it like to be on the other side of me?"  Both cause you to look inward to see what it is about you that is causing you to struggle to serve the other.  But then you must also look outward to see how you can better serve that person.  

Mike's second point, "What would love have me do?" is based on the Gospel.  What does Jesus call us to?  We've already discussed it a bit here.  But it's to give grace as freely as it has been given to you.  It's to forgive and show mercy as the Lord has done for you.  And it's to encourage the other person (in a way that does not condemn them).  Mike did also speak on what to do when there are behaviors that the other person exhibits that seem to destroy every relationship that person is in.  He does not encourage us to "babysit bad behaviors" but to stop, think, and pray so that you may speak with clarity about this issue with that individual.  There is a humble and gracious way to address these heart-issues with someone, but you must "remove the plank from your own eye" so that "you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Both quotes from Matthew 7:5).  But the plank, as Mike stated, isn't always the same issue that our brother is struggling with.  It's not "I'm going to talk to them about X but I have to stop doing X myself first."  The plank is our condemning nature, and we must ask God to remove this so that we have understanding and wisdom to speak with our brother in a non-condemning way.  

I know that you deal with difficult people every day. It could be a parent, sibling, friend, roommate, coworker, spouse, etc.  Almost anyone you could possibly be in relationship with can be difficult.  But think about the fact that you, too, are a difficult person.  We think of ourselves as saintly, more often than not.  We don't see our own shortcomings and if we do, we don't think they're as bad as someone else's.  Remember that Jesus loved us despite our most wretched personalities and that He died for us in spite of that.  And approach your relationships in that way, knowing that you are a sinner, and that you have been rescued from that and forgiven for all that you have done.  

Free others from the expectations you put on them through grace and love.  I'll leave you with a last quote from Mike that I really appreciated in his message.  

"Love is the most powerful force in the world because God is love.  In the absence of love, we will resort to manipulation." 

How true that is.  Apologies for going so Sunday-school on you all, but I really appreciated this series from PC3 and thought I had many friends who could benefit from it as well.  If you're interested in listening to the sermons, they can be found here: That Guy

Also, I have several resources to recommend for relationships.  A lot of these books are about marriage, but through reading them, I've actually learned a lot about how to be a better friend, roommate, etc. because I try to approach all of my relationships with the ideas expressed in them.  Here are my recommended resources:

>>Marriage: Why Bother (from PC3)

>>The Good Women Project (has links to entries on relationships.  I love this website and use it frequently for not only this topic but many others as well)

>>The Resurgence (Another website I love to keep tabs on.  Blogs are my thing, ya'll.  Through thick and thin, I will find the worthy ones!)

>>For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn (It's counterpart, For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn is supposedly also good.  I have not read it, but Scott has and thought it was good)

Source: Google

>>Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas (possibly the most influential book I've read so far on relationships.  And I promise you, for those skeptical of how a book on marriage could change other relationships in your life, it will.  Though marriage is the most intimate of relationships we will ever enter into, its principles on how to love another person can be applied to other relationships in your life)

Source: Google

 >>The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller (same disclaimer as the previous book)

Source: Google

If you have other resources PLEASE share.  I know a lot of mine are marriage-tinted.  But like I said, though those books are intended for use pre-marriage, the concepts inside will change your outlook on most relationships in your life.  For reals.  I've experienced it myself (and am obviously not married) which is why I feel I can recommend it to you with confidence.  I've seen how it changes my approach to my roommate relationship, my family relationships, and my interactions with coworkers.

Grace & peace to you all.
Cristina